Today Caleb is officially 3 months old. It's been a long 3 months, but at the same time, I can't believe it's already been 3 months. Caleb has officially been diagnosed as a colic baby and I am trying to prepare myself mentally that it could last another 6 months. The majority of mom's I talk to say their kids were better at around 3 months. I am hoping for the same for Caleb. Last week we had 2 amazing days, but it seems to be worse over the last week or so. He won't even settle at night, breaking his routine of not sleeping during the day and crashing for the evening on Ryan's chest. While he used to go down for the night between 9:30 and 10, he now is difficult and fights everything until midnight. His crying spells last up to an hour with there being nothing I can do for him. Often I just leave him in a safe place and walk away. It's the only way I can stay sane. I feel so helpless and it drives me batty to listen to him cry. At the end of my days I feel so exhausted and feeling like I've failed him somewhere. Why is he so sad?
Unfortunately, no one knows what colic really is, they don't even know if the crying babies are in pain. The dr gave me a pamphlet on colic and some tips on how to help a crying baby, and I have tried everything on that list.
Last week Friday I went to visit my Oma. The whole hour I was there he screamed. I caught up with Ryan at a friend's house who he helped move and there he was amazing. I am glad I went - I almost went straight home. And then n Saturday he was really good all day, for the Sinterklaas ride, for visiting with my parents...and then Saturday night happened. While out with friends he cried for 45 minutes while I layed with him on the bathroom floor and rubbed his tummy. When his crying ended, he took a huge breath, sighed and it was over. He was smiling seconds after he was screaming. Sunday he was a good baby - when I came to him after church in the nursery, he was in the same place I left him. In his carseat. He had slept almost the whole time. And then Monday happened. I tried to shop for a bit and in the morning he was good. The afternoon, however, the only way he was happy quiet is if I held him. Otherwise he screamed. This morning he screamed for almost an hour, and then, for the second time in his life, took a nap that was longer than 20 minutes. I didn't know what to do with myself. :) I was hesitant to start something since he has only been napping for 20 minutes at a time so I did dishes. And started to fold this week's laundry.
I find it extremely frustrating when people tell me that it's normal for babies to cry. Almost insulting, actually. It bothers me that it bothers me so much, but I don't like being treated like I don't know what I am talking about. I feel like what I am saying has no value. I get that it is normal for babies to cry. It is not normal for babies to cry so much and inconsolably.
With it being a hard road to travel, and feeling like I don't love him or would rather feed him to the polar bears (the story behind that is that Camia and I were talking about the North Pole one morning a few weeks ago and after she asked me where I was going to put Caleb while he cried I told her that I was going to bring him to the North Pole. She was a little concerned for the well being of her brother and asked what the would do with him. I said they could eat him...) or give him to somebody else to care for, truth be told, however, I still want to keep him. I thought about it this morning and realized that if he were gone, there would be anything I would give to hear his cry again. To hear him scream, because that would mean that he was still here. Isn't it funny how when something irritates you so badly that you want nothing more than for it to be gone, but when it's gone you miss is so much and would give anything to have it back?
On to happier things...
The milestone he reached this week is that he rolled over from his tummy to his back. He hasn't done it again, and maybe he did it because he was downright angry, but he did it. The milestone I reached is that I nursed him for 3 full months. Not exclusively, but I reached my goal. It hasn't been easy because of supply and his crankiness. When he is cranky, is it especially hard because he is on and off and fights but wants it so badly so when I take it away he gets even more mad, which makes nursing next to impossible.
My favourite moments are these :
When he is happy and smiling. When he is content and when he laughs. I love when he cuddles and that he recognizes me as his mother. I love when he is excited to see me when I get him from the nursery. I love when I walk past him that he gets excited and starts bouncing in his chair. I love that he responds to me when I talk to him, and I love hearing his stories. I love that he wants to pick up or hold a toy but is happy to have me do it for him. I love his alertness, that he soaks up everything. I love that he loves his sister already and that somethimes she is the only one who can make him smile. I love his soft skin and his silky hair. I love looking at boy clothes and toys that he could play with one day. I love this little boy ever so dearly. I really do.
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